Top 5s

This week's theme is "pissweak attempts at emulation of certain celebrities through questionable fashion choices". Alternatively, "if I remember these from the 80s, why does anyone in their right mind want to go back there?!".

We were never really trendy or cool kids as far as fashion goes. A lot of our clothes were hand-me-downs or home-made. Some home-made items were the source of much tension and angst, and my mother often stubbornly refused to countenance any wailing objections to certain clothing. I'm thinking in particular here of my primary school uniform, which my mother sewed herself and into which she inserted puffy sleeves (I think the pattern was from 1964). The social implications of this were dire. I tried to iron them flat. I also walked around with my hands on opposite shoulders trying to squash the sleeves down and make those bloody puffballs yield so i could be like the other normal girls with their normal bought uniforms with normal flat sleeves. When none of these methods worked, I resorted to wearing my school jumper over uniform to hide my sartorial shame. For nearly the whole of summer. Sorry mum, it really was horrible as a 10 year old kid.

Outside of school, I tried to pass myself off as cooler than I was by copying certain styles I'd seen on tv shows or Rage, or in Smash Hits, using my limited wardrobe options. (In these GFC days, I guess you could say I may have actually spawned the concept of "shopping your wardrobe".) Of particular note, I remember these looks:

1. Martika. Cutoff denim shorts, short brunette bob hairstyle, white t-shirt with orange cheesecloth shirt over the top that I used to wear open and knotted at the shirt ends. Oh yeah, I felt the earth move. Because it was rocked by my fashion sense!


2. Punky Brewster. I had some Punky Brewster merchandise socks. One was pink, the other was blue to match Punky's l'il tramp style. Actually, I think they might have been my sister's and I just wished they were mine. I did wear them though, and we probably scratched each other's eyes out over that even though we could have probably just swapped all our regular pairs of socks around and there would be plenty of Punky style to share.


3. Eastern bloc athlete. I once owned, and LOVED, a red tracksuit set that had elasticated cuffs on the pants and the top, and puffy shoulders. There was also a wee Snoopy patch sewn on the left breast of the top. I do remember once wearing this with my black school shoes and white socks, so it's entirely open to conclude that I resembled less an eastern bloc athlete outfitted by a Lithuanian bedazzler, and more one of those daggy (but terribly cute) Chinese kids you see wearing what appear to be pyjamas as normal day clothes. And I've seen the busloads of Chinese tourists at Bondi Beach. Black shoes and white socks are clearly de rigeur in the People's Republic.


4. Collette, of "You Can Ring My Bell" fame. She spawned the whole bike pants as fashion item craze. I had a couple of pairs of flourescent trimmed bike shorts that I wore to death. And never once on a bike, funnily enough. I think there are a lot of girls out there sharing collective responsibility for this particular atrocity. And I think the leggings around nowadays are just a longer form of bike pants.


5. Shannen Doherty. This was due to the long and blunt hair cut I was sporting in 1992. I think I may have even tried to pass myself off as Brenda/Shannen at a dress-up party by wearing a purple Esprit t-shirt over a long-sleeved white top, with Levi 501s and Doc Martens. I wasn't really allowed to watch 90210, though. I did a Dolly quiz one day to be told that although I was clearly clueless about the trials and tribulations of the West Beverley High set, I shouldn't worry because the girl down the street would have all the episodes taped. And you know what, it was true. So I would go to Bianca's house and we absorbed the dramas of Brenda, Brandon, Steve, Donna, Dylan, Kelly, Andrea and David (and no, I didn't have to look that up on Wikipedia!). Her dad watched several episodes with us too. Looking back, this now seems kind of weird.